The Glass Floor of Faith

Today, I read a blog post about a woman's experience with Post-Partum Depression. While most men and some women do not understand this sudden mental state, I have known many women who have suffered from it. It can be debilitating, distracting, and devastating in some unfortunate circumstances. PPD is overwhelmingly engrossing. It becomes your entire being.

I have not experienced this particular form of depression following the birth of my kids. But I did experience a pretty dark depression post-hysterectomy.

If you know me at all, you know I tend to find and focus on the light jokes in a situation. In December 2010, I was faced with a life-changing event. One that altered my perfect and planned course. My hysterectomy (at 29 years old) devastated my being. I lost track of everything that was right.

I have never made this public because I didn't want the pity that comes with exposing such an event and mental state in one's life. It makes me feel weird when people say things like "I'm sorry." Or "It'll get better." Or "If you need anything, let me know."

Losing my ability to bring new life to this world caused a whole slew of terrible thoughts and feelings of despair. It wasn't that I wasn't appreciating the two beautiful and healthy children I have. It wasn't that I didn't understand the medical necessity for the hysterectomy. I didn't even argue with my doctor when he explained my options. I did my research. I understood what was coming. I was sick, my body making my life miserable. I needed to be fixed. I was completely unprepared for the mental state that this would create.

After reading the blog today about one person's journey to "being better," it got me thinking about where I was a year ago. Down in the dumps depressed. But I hid it well, I think.

Life is sometimes crappy. Downright just plain ol' sucks. In the midst of my downright sucky time, one thing found me. One Light helped drag me out of my depths of despair and that was and will always be my Jesus.

I know you think you know where I've been. But no one, but Jesus knows what was going on inside my broken and devastated heart, soul, and mind. When life sucks, when it seems like everything you dreamed of, planned for, expected has gone overboard. When you really just feel like you are on the edge and you have only one of two choices and that's to step off in faith of Jesus or turn back and live in the despair, there might be a glass floor you just don't see.

Our paths are not always visible. The reasons for our lives sometimes are never exposed. And those glass floors of faith are not always scary to walk on. The times we need Jesus the most; those moments when we just can't understand where our lives are going; the instant we need to be picked up and carried, that is when we need to have faith to step onto that glass flooring of faith.

It seems so cliche to write this, but Jesus saved my life. He saved my marriage. He saved me!

Peace