At 28 years old I never thought I'd be uttering the words hysterectomy as a part of my life. It seems so young to be experiencing such a process, yet here I am.

In life there are moments that define a person's integrity. Not that a hysterectomy has a lot to do with my integrity. What I mean is my life is full of moments that have prepared me for this transition into a different chapter. I am convinced our lives are books being written, chapter by chapter. The past 10 years has written like 50. No just kidding, but really it's been a ride.

My first surgery I was 19 and was forming tennis ball size cysts nearly over night on my ovaries. An emergency surgery was warranted in order to save my left ovary and keep a cyst from bursting. It was a scary ordeal. I was very frightened and unable to keep my fear to myself.

I remember the nurse asking me what brought me to the hospital, where I snidely answered, "My mom." It was the truth. She had taken me to the ER. As my anxiety level rose, the nurse asked me if I would like some sort of tranquilizer to which I responded, "I'm not a horse." That's the last of my memory until waking up in recovery and having the buckling pain gone! It was such a relief.

For 10 years I've avoided having any sort of surgery on my ovaries or uterus and here I am. In February I started having menstrual related migraines, so at my yearly checkup in April I expressed the issues to my doctor. We decided it could be related to my birth control, so we changed it. I won't bore you with the not fun details of the next 3 months spent on pain killers and migraine meds, as well as dealing with nausea and vomiting.

In September I went for an appointment and the ultrasound showed, what we thought, was a stuck left ovary and decided to remove it. We also decided to biopsy my uterus to check for an illness called Adenomyosis. Adenomyosis is a condition in which endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, is present within and grows into the muscular walls of the uterus.

So after a week of recovery, here we are. I went for my checkup and it's concluded with a severe adenomyosis diagnosis. Seeing that the only other solution to a hysterectomy is menopause, which I'm obviously too young for, hysterectomy has become a part of my 28-year-old vocabulary.

Was I planning to have more children, not sure. I figured if it was in the cards it would happen. But it never did before this issue. It's not life or death. It's a new beginning in a pain-free life. And for that I'm very happy.

I have one of the best doctors I've ever had and one of the best support systems a girl could ask for. But we'll see how I feel after really having the hysterectomy.

Pressing Onward

This poem was shared with me. So I thought I'd share it with you as my blog for today.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.
-- Author Unknown

Chapter 11; Worry-Some Mom

Hello, my name is Samantha and I am a worry wart. My husband has diagnosed me with Worst Case Scenario Syndrome (not an official illness deemed by the medical field professionals). I am in transition.

I feel much better. LOL! Seriously, I really do worry about everything. My kids safety is at my utmost concern and even more so their future safety. How can I possibly be concerned for events that have not yet transpired? I am a mental case, as I think all moms are when it comes to their children.

However, am I only concerned inside? The truth is I know that I'm raising my children to be productive members of our society. If I cocoon them into a world of bubble wrap, who really am I protecting? One day they will leave my house and begin a life of their own. My only hope is that I raise them to make good decisions and be good to people.

It is really hard for me to let go in a timely manner. I know the day will come in the next year that Kara will be venturing off in her own to school. Kindergarten. That awful year. LOL! Really it's not awful, but it is the gearing up for another phase in my mothering season. I want my child to go to school. I want her to experience the social aspects in life and be a model of kindness. But I have to start that now. OH THE PRESSURE!!! It just so happens that I forget all too often that I have someone else to lean on. To rely on in the seasons of mothering. God.

The Bible states in Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

It is beyond important to me that I remember this scripture. It helps me when I'm struggling with protecting my kids from future unknowns. I know that God is there to help me, and He'll be there to help my kids.

I cannot protect my kids from everything, but I can arm them with the Word the Truth the knowledge that in everything they do, God is there for them. If I teach them this, they'll have a shield for their lives and I can rest. HAHAHAH! Yeah .. God knows me. He knows that I will do what I can for my kids, but I'll always have concern for them. It is natural for me to feel protective of my kids. I love them. But I won't always be there to encourage their decisions.

To be frank, I am scared out of my wits for them to be young adults. Only because I know how I was. LOL! I just hope they are equipped to make good decisions. Worrying will only get me so far. I have to equip them. I can't change the world around them, but I can encourage how they respond to it.

More Real Mom Moments:

• A real mom encourages her babies to do the next skill, and once her babies roll, crawl, or walk, she silently wishes her babies weren't growing up so fast.
• A real mom tells her husband to take the kids out for a while, and then determines not to worry the whole time they are gone.
• A real mom wants a night to herself for relaxation, but thinks about her kids the entire time.

Peace be with you!

Chapter 10: Busy Moms

Ok .. so it's kinda funny that this blog would be about being a busy mom, when that's the whole reason I haven't blogged in so long. I've been rather busy. From camping to in-laws to my sister's wedding out of state, life's been busy in our home.

After reading this chapter I came to the realization that I have some crazy expectations for myself. The funny thing about me is if I make a to-do list for myself .. it grows normally throughout the day .. I tend to quit if I don't get the first item checked off in the first hour of being awake. Perhaps I should make "drinking coffee" my first item.

I love having a clean house, but man it's rough with the two kids I have and the ages they are. One and 4 are rough dirty ages. They get out a ton of stuff at once and even Kara still doesn't quite understand the concept of "put something away before getting something else out." Which, most days, drives me UP THE FREAKING WALL!! Phew, ok I feel better now.

The truth is I'm a list-making, task-oriented, goal-driven, slightly control freak. I do not function well in chaos (just ask Aaron) and I do not work well when I don't know what is expected. I'm an organization junkie that lives in organized chaos. Being busy is what I do best.

However, when I have too many things on my to-do list, I fail. I think the true test of success for me would be to revamp my to-do list. There was a time when I had to vacuum and sweep daily. Mason had a healthy appetite for floor crap. So it was slightly necessary.

Being a busy mom is natural. we all do it. Women simply are built for multi-tasking and engaging in multiple activities at one time. Our houses are not always spotless. Seriously, I'll hire a maid if I can afford it at some point in my life. I'm not lying. I love a clean house, I just cannot simply do it at the moment. My vacuum lines will always appear though.

But don't stress over the little things. It's okay if the fort from yesterday is still built in the front room when your mother-in-law stops over for a visit, unexpectedly. It might be slightly entertaining to have her crawl through. :) Then .. in that case .. leaving that mess was completely worth it.

One last note, you don't always have to take your shoes off when you come in my house. I'll grade the floor cleanliness quality on a day to day basis.

More Real Mom Moments:

• A real mom doesn't vacuum everyday.
• A real mom uses plates when entertaining guests. But lots of times the family gets paper plates.
• A real mom knows the true meaning of "eat and run."

Peace be with you all!

S.O.S. Mom: Real Moms Need Help

Help. Hey isn't that a 4-letter word? Help. Yes it is. Asking for help has never been something that I've been good at. I don't do it near enough and I don't allow others to ask. I guess the old saying of "Do unto others as you would want them to do to you" or something like that rings true here. I insist that friends and family call on me when they are in need of help, yet I do not pay them the same respect.

I'm not sure exactly why I stop short of asking for help until I'm out of my mind crazy. For instance, last summer Aaron began this internship that would take him away from home for 4 weeks. I was here with a newborn and pretty much no idea of people or their motives. I don't attach myself to people until I figure them out (HAHAHAHAHAH!) but either way I was going crazy with trying to figure out how I was going to do both mine and Aaron's jobs. I didn't have any family coming to visit during that time and I was new to the community.

I had an acquaintance offer some "help" as it were with watching my kids so I could have some time to get things done and caught up. It took several attempts from her for me to take her up on her offer. I finally gave in and took my children to her home for a couple hours. Wow that was the most helpful thing at the time! I was literally going crazy with all my to-dos and this person was sitting there slapping me in the face with a barbwire offer and I was refusing. WHAT!?!?!

The choice to give in and be vulnerable to one's offer of help is difficult. It opens you up to a whole new status in a relationship. Though now it seems minimal and absolutely silly that I would be so guarded to help, it was the best thing for my kids and me.

When asking for help, I expect that my family and friends will help and then in return ask for help. It's a circular event that is only positive in nature. Help's innocence builds character and friendship. Asking and receiving lead to giving and back to asking and receiving.

Being a mom is definitely not a one-mom game. I'm reminded of a saying that it takes a village to raise a child. But then I think it takes a child to build a mom. My children help (there's that word again) build my character, temperament, and life. I would NOT be the person I am today without my kids. They have taught me how to ask for help.

Asking for help doesn't have to be a chore. It is a risk though. It does open you up to a whole new array of opportunities. I guess in any choice we make, it will change the course of our lives. Something from the Disney show "Mulan" says something about a small pebble making a load of impact. Something as small as asking for help can make an immense amount of impact on someone. You never know when that someone you are asking for help simply may need that feeling of being needed at that moment. Perhaps a mom whose children are grown and in school is needing that nuzzle from a newborn or the excitement of a toddler. Simply asking her for help gives her that brief sense of being a young (yet knowledgeable) mother again.

Help .. a 4-letter word .. most definitely .. but the most powerful act we can do as moms.

More Real Mom Moments:

• A real mom needs other real moms.
• A real mom asks her kids to pray for her when she's having a bad day.
• A real mom realizes that while she is given the privilege of raising her kids, she is also given a window to the opportunity of raising herself.

Peace be with you all!

Mommy Wars Mom: Real Moms Like Their Way Best

Have you ever just watched your friend(s) mother their children? Do you think about how they do it versus how you mother yours? Or do you think they are doing things wrong? Did it ever occur to you that different children need different styles of mothering?

I have successfully, and unfortunately, committed all of the above.

There were many times when Kara was younger that I would look at some of my friends and decide that I was going to be a better mom than they were. Only to realize later on that I wasn't their kids mom, I was Kara's. This made a significant difference in how I mothered her. And how I viewed my friends.

And then we moved to a new place. And wow were my eyes opened. See in Utah everyone is pretty much the same. It's a culture that is based upon self-competition, in my opinion, and I couldn't compete, nor did I want to. I've never been one to fall in line and do as the neighbor does. I'm not a mom that forces my daughter to wear matchy matchy clothes everyday (not that there's anything wrong with that), but it's just not me. I want her to find her inner person and be happy with who she is. I'm also not a mom that will raise my kids somewhere simply because that's where my family is. I love my family, but it's a quest for a quality life for me and my family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to raise your children around your family. I just was not happy with the location of my family. LOL! So I changed location.

When I look at my mom friends I have now, I think to myself two things "I should try that." OR "Note to self: DO NOT DO THAT!!!" LOL

I am more than willing to give out information that has helped me, but I'm also open to suggestion when I ask for it. Probably like all mothers, I don't want someone to come in and tell me my kids are rough. I wish all moms could remember that all children are different and so are their moms. We don't mother in the same way and what works for me may not work for the next person down the road. And what works for Jane may not work for me.

Motherhood is a constant state of survival and adaptation. It is impossible to have one book that is the "all knowing and successful guide to raising children." There isn't one. There are many books I have read that make suggestions to how to encourage better outcomes with my children, but the truth is my children are hardwired to do whatever it is that comes naturally to them. It is my duty and responsibility to encourage them to grow, learn, and succeed.

When I compare my experience to a friend, I'm doing myself more harm than good. I do not have her kids, spouse, living arrangements, financial situation, life experience. It's impossible for me to hand her a load of advice and KNOW that it will work. I cannot judge her for her abilities. I believe that for the most part moms are doing the best they can with what they have and know.

I have to remember to not judge those that may be struggling in parenthood. I'm so not perfect. I have no place to judge. God is perfect. He has the final say in our situation. He will be the One that decides whether or not we could've used some improvement. And again back to my original belief, people are perfectly placed in our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. There have been times where I have been around OUTSTANDING (in my opinion) moms. I mean they are just "perfect" and I take from them what I need to know and use it. And there are times where I'm doubting my abilities, circumstances and wonder if I'm doing a good job with my kids, and then God shows me a mom who's struggling to pay her bills, talk to her kids, or just can't stop using drugs.

God has the final judgment in my motherhood season. I will leave the guidance up to Him and not some tell all book.

Real Mom Moments:

• A real mom sometimes has to - or wants to - work outside the home.
• A real mom compares herself with her friends - and stops there.
• A real mom smiles at her little angels as she passes someone else's screaming brats in the grocery store - and knows she shouldn't.

Peace to you all!

Doin My Best Mom: Real Moms Aren't Perfect and Don't Have Perfect Children

Well except for me that is. ;) Just kidding. I've been putting off this post to ensure that I write just the right thing, a bit of the perfectionist in me. LOL! But in reality, what is perfection?

There are many different ways to describe and define perfection or the word perfect. It is my understanding that it means to do things flawlessly and without error. How in the world can I put this into my motherhood season?!? According to wikipedia and the origination of perfection it is this "The word "perfection" derives from the Latin "perfectio", and "perfect" — from "perfectus." These expressions in turn come from "perficio" — "to finish", "to bring to an end." "Perfectio(n)" thus literally means "a finishing", and "perfect(us)" — "finished", much as in grammatical parlance. ("perfect tense"). "

So if I'm applying perfection to motherhood in this sense it would be IMPOSSIBLE! Impossible because you are never "finished" when you become a mom. I will always be a mom. So why would I hold impossible standards of what society deems as perfection to myself as a mother? I do not know.

I love that I know and understand that where I fall short, God picks up the slack. I take my kids through life. I teach them all I know. I show them how and I will be there when they fall. But in all of these experiences, I will never be "perfect." The chapter states, "If we were actually able to accomplish perfection, why would we, or our kids, need God?" This simple reminder tells me that God is there no matter what. I can strive to be the best mother I can be for me and my kids. God shows me that I have the ability and power to mother my children.

There is never one "right" way to be a mom. So many of us compare our imperfections to our friends and family that "seem" to have it going the right direction. But when I think about how perfection means "finished" or "completed" I will not be perfect. And I refuse to be perfect because I do NOT want to be done being a mother.

I do tend to try to be a perfectionist, and when I fail, it doesn't feel good. But I know that when I do my best with my children, and see their smiling faces and help them succeed in things, I know I'm doing my best.

My house may not always be clean and my kids may not always be in matching clothes, but I'm doing my best.

Bible passage for thought: Proverbs 31

Sayings of King Lemuel

¹ The sayings of King Lemuel—an oracle ^a]">[a] his mother taught him:
² "O my son, O son of my womb,
O son of my vows, ^b]">[b]
³ do not spend your strength on women,
your vigor on those who ruin kings.
⁴ "It is not for kings, O Lemuel—
not for kings to drink wine,
not for rulers to crave beer,
⁵ lest they drink and forget what the law decrees,
and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.
⁶ Give beer to those who are perishing,
wine to those who are in anguish;
⁷ let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more.
⁸ "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
⁹ Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."
Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
¹⁰ ^c]">[c] A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Real Mom Moments:

• A real mom shoves all the dirty dishes in the oven when an unexpected friend arrives.
• A real mom makes mistakes on a daily basis but keeps on chugging along, trying to get better.

Peace be with you all!