Not a Size 6

Yesterday I watched Dr. Oz. I know! I can't believe I did that either. But only because his show yesterday wasn't about how cell phone usage causes brain cancer, or any cancer causing issues. Even though, to him, everything causes some form of cancer. No doubt today's episode will revolve around cancer just to make up for the lost amount of discussion on his favorite topic from yesterday's show.

At any rate, yesterday's show revolved around making yourself feel better about yourself by changing only a few things. Not diet. Not losing weight. Not even exercising. ARE YOU AS SHOCKED AS I AM??? This was on HIS show!

Three women were guests, all plus size models. Sizes 12, 14, and 16. Beautiful women, all comfortable in their bodies. And all focusing, not on their flaws but, on their favorite assets.

Anyway, the thing that stuck out the most to me about these women is that they were healthy. They all worked out regularly, ate healthy diets, and had a healthy self-esteem. They weren't concerned with losing those last 10 lbs, or dropping 6 pant sizes. They didn't even seem to worry about what Dr. Oz might say. Cause we all know he usually says something about weight (it causes cancer!)

This episode had me glued. I was hooked on their every word. Watching the body language. Listening to them talk. I was convinced that even women who aren't size 6 are beautiful! A new concept to me. Trust me, it's new to me!

I have struggled with my weight as long as I can remember. I wasn't necessarily "fat" in high school, but was no where near the size of my thin and petite cohorts in school. The "pretty" girls. Even still to this day, they are thin and gorgeous. But for some reason my experience in high school created this unrealistic, and sometimes untrue, idea of beauty.

Yes we all strive to look and feel our best. But why do I feel like my best isn't good enough?

As I watched these three women on the TV it clicked. Being comfortable in your skin is all the matters. As long as you live and lead a healthy lifestyle, size doesn't necessarily matter. I'm not a twig, and likely will never be a size 6. But I realize that I am me.

My body is not the same as the person next door, or the girls I went to high school with. My body was curvy and I had red hair. At the time, I felt awkward and ugly. I had freckles, glasses, but no braces .. no need to add to that weird stage of teenage years. But my awkward feelings have grown into my adulthood.

Learning to love my body with all it's attributes is hard. I carry battle wounds (stretchmarks) from giving life to two beautiful children. I'm starting to get wrinkles around my eyes from age (not that I'm old). Luckily for me I don't have gray hair yet! :) That's a bonus!

But even with all these "bad" things going on with my body, I know that I am healthier now than I have ever been. And when I make goals of losing pounds or decreasing my pant size, I get occupied and consumed with my failures in those endeavors.

I learned something yesterday, I learned that I don't have to be a size 6 or even an 8 or 10 to be the most beautiful me I can be. If I am confident in myself where I stand with my looks now, it won't matter what other women look like. Or what society deems as beautiful. If I am happy and in love with what I see in the mirror, that is all that matters.

By the way, reading my blog does not cause cancer! ;)

Things Happen

Many of you who read this will know nothing about me prior to when we first met. Many will have no idea of the things I did to myself, learned about myself and others, or why I am the way I am. And I'm okay with that.

Even though in conversation I can be fairly forthcoming, I am also very private about the past. I am just that way. I don't air my dirty laundry, I try VERY hard to not bring up past issues, I also try VERY hard to not make people feel guilty about things they have done in the past. I am not perfect, so I know that, at times, I fail and bring up old hurt feelings and experiences.

Today while talking with a friend we were talking about a past experience with me. One that I'm not proud of, and will not hash out on the Internet for discussion. But what I will say is that during our discussion, she made helped me realize that things happen. Good or bad, things happen. The important part is what we took from it.

I know that in my life I have screwed up more times then I can count. I have said much more hurtful things to people than should ever come out of someone's mouth. I have held people accountable for their actions, all the while acting more righteous than my fellow neighbor. But I also know that because it's in the past, it's in the past.

How does one move on from the past? How do we, without conjuring up all those events that determined the direction of our character, live day to day without feeling sad, remorseful, guilty? Why is it so hard to forgive? Ourselves? Others?

On my way home today, I was listening to K-Love as I often do in the car and a music artist by the name of Rhett Miller was co-hosting. He's a Christian singer. He was talking about a time when he took a drive to have it out with God. He was feeling overwhelmed, overbooked, exhausted and unsure of what he was to do with his life. Even though he was married; expecting their first child; a promising music career. Pretty much a pretty solid life by my standards. He was dealing with the past.

His drive took him to the bank of a river where basically God told him "Let me handle the past."

Without knowing any details of my conversation with my friend, you could see how this simple statement from God would have deep impact on anyone dealing with the past.

"Let me handle the past," says God.

Not "process your feelings, confront people, figure out your priorities" ... a simple "Let me handle the past."

The more I say it; the more I type it; the more I realize the truth in that simple statement.

When I heard that statement, especially following a conversation with my friend, I know that God was speaking oh so clearly to me. He heard my concern in my conversation with my friend. He was trying so hard to put the right words in her mouth. I can see it all now. But it didn't click until I was on my way home in my car with the radio on, and a special guest on the station.

The feeling of relief that my God, my Jesus, was going to handle my past for me is one amazing and inspiring emotion. I cannot tell you how much weight I felt lifted off me. I have been dwelling on things I've done as recent as this week and as far back as 12 years. The choices I made before I gave my heart to God. He washed me of all of that June 5, 2011. And a year later I finally understand, Let God handle the past!

Peace

I am Sinner

I did not write that wrong. I am Sinner. I am not perfect. I do not always make the right choices in life. I fight daily to stay calm and not allow my anger to get the best of me. I work everyday to believe that my life is worth something and for purpose.

My life has been around many sad and deserted corners. My heart has been entangled in too many unhealthy things. My mind was once occupied with sadness, hatred, and even distress.

I was dead.

In two days, June 5, I will celebrate life! My "Birth"day of life. My act of obedience to the one that gave me purpose on this Earth. My day that I showed my friends and family of disciples that I am worthy of THIS life. I have PURPOSE! I am once and for all completely and utterly, deep and concentrated, purely and purposely claimed by Jesus!

I am still Sinner! Yet He still claims me as His own. He promises to never leave me. He promises to always be by my side. He promises that life will not be easy, but HE will do it with me!

I am Sinner. But I am HIS!

Too Fast

She is growing up,
But not too fast.
I plan to make each moment last.

She's resilient and confident,
She's bossy and defiant.
I plan to remember each event.

She's smart and friendly,
Wise beyond her years.
This day is bringing me to tears.

She is growing up,
I thought not fast,
But today I realized,
This moment won't last.

My little bright beauty at six years old,
Has so many things in her life I've been told.
She's a leader and a friend and a comforter.

My little girl with her ocean of eyes,
Will always be my little girl,
No matter her size.

Today she leaves her Kindergarten behind,
Tomorrow marks the journey of a different kind,
She is growing up way too fast.
How do I make this moment last?

Forgot Deodorant

Ever have one of those rough nights where your kid won't sleep? Which makes it so you don't sleep. But you need sleep, because the next day beckons your attention. And we all know what happens when Mom doesn't have full attention.

Cereal gets "shared" with the dog.
Toilets gets "plunged."
Dishes get "done."
Breakfast gets "made."
Kids get dressed inside out and backward.
Speed limits become a suggestion.
Mom's hair looks like a bad hair day for Steven Tyler.
Laundry piles up.
Floors don't get swept.
Mail doesn't get sorted ... just thrown away .. only to realize you likely threw away a check that could've been cashed.
Beds don't get made.
TV becomes a babysitter for about the 3.75 minutes of quiet time. Only to wake up in a panic and wonder where the 3 y/o that MUST be supervised at all times has quietly found something entertaining to do with finger nail polish......
Bathing becomes an event that seems too much of an effort.
The leg hairs grow to be measurable.
Deodorant gets forgotten (don't pretend like that hasn't ever happened to you)

And then you still have to make lunch.....

Afternoons seem to go much slower with bickering children. And suddenly you become one of the bickering children only 20+ years older and much heavier with a louder voice and stronger muscles and bigger stomping sounds.

Man it's 1 p.m. and I haven't done anything today.

Disclaimer: This may or may not have all happened this morning. Events listed may have happened during other restless mornings. :)

Confessions of an Accidental Vegetarian

Well, technically I'm not a vegetarian .. I'm a "Pollo-Pescaterian" .. and no that has nothing to do with any sort of religious affiliation. Just means I don't eat any meat except seafood and, occasionally, chicken.

I never set out to become a vegetarian. I have no issues, be it political or emotional, about people consuming meat products. It just kind of happened, because of my dietary restrictions.

I'm also a big texture person. If something has a weird or fleshy texture .... BLECH!!! It makes me gag.

But now that I'm here and I have a title for my eating habits, I am enjoying researching all the possibilities in which this entails! I have mentioned in another post that I have many vegan and vegetarian friends. Some, like me, just decided to eat the way they wanted and don't have really any other motive.

I'm not a member of PETA and I won't send them to your door if you eat a steak! :) I haven't really had moose or caribou, which are big in Alaska. I'm not opposed to trying it either. I figure the less it's processed, the better it will be.

However, now that I'm actually listening and paying attention to what food does to my body, I have found myself with a new title with my eating. And it's interesting.

It has been over a month since I have been super strict about my dietary needs. And, though, only today have I seen the weight loss benefits from that, I started seeing other things within a week. I wasn't as bloated, my stomach wasn't hurting, my headaches had dwindled, my body felt better, my acne was clearing, my hair wasn't as brittle. One would think this way of eating would be a no brainer with all those positive things.

But, let's be honest, not being able to have yogurt, ice cream, a candy bar, a grilled cheese sandwich, and various other comfort foods that are yummy once in a while, just plain downright sucks sometimes. Especially when I really really really want something sweet and I have to settle for a banana! That's crap!

But, if I am feeling better, then it's an easy decision. There have been many moments in the past month that I have just thought to myself, "Oh one won't hurt." Not true.

I know that with one simple bite of cheddar cheese that I will wake up the next morning with the extension of the Rocky Mountains forming on my face. I know that with one slice of pizza I will feel and look nearly 14 months pregnant for a week. I also know that for one intangible split moment of satisfaction from a bite of a chocolate bar I will pay for it with a splitting headache.

I'm a vegetarian .. I mean Pollo-pescetarian by accident. But it is what it is. We all have to eat the ways our bodies are telling us to. God designed us all differently.

Pin It and Forget It

Have you ever heard the "set it and forget it" phrase with the rotisserie oven?? Well That logic today is applying to my experience with Pinterest. I "pin it and forget it."

I haven't been on Pinterest in I don't know how long, but I do know that today when I went on there .. just minutes ago .. I sought out to search for "office organization," only right then did I realize I have a whole entire board dedicated to organization. Go figure.

But what is this habit of putting things on Pinterest and then forgetting about them?? There are AWESOME ideas on there. Many things that are cheap, easy, DIY things, fun things for kids. I see all sorts of statements on Facebook about people saying "I like Pinterest, it makes me feel productive."

Hahahaha it's funny to me, because that's how I feel after an hour or more of getting sucked into the world of pinning. I leave my computer feeling that satisfaction that I've just completed something, even though the moment I step away from the computer I see that I've really only completed a whole bunch of nothing.

I think Pinterest is awesome for encouraging new decor, changing up the routine for playing with the kids. Maybe even suggesting things for savings, exercise, healthy eating that we hadn't thought of before. But what's funny to me is that Pinterest lives and real lives are not mirror images. :)

I'm a much craftier, healthier, more active, completely organized with awesome hobbies, better parent on Pinterest. :) My house on Pinterest is decorated with beautiful linens, furniture, nick-knacks. I have the biggest most functional and cleanest kitchen. My kids rooms are bright, clean, and fun. My yard is one that is designed to entertain. :)

It's AWESOME! :)

Not saying my real life isn't awesome, but I pin it and forget it. It gives me a bit of thrill to climb back into this world of pin boards and images. I wonder if a psychologist has ever picked apart someone's Pinterest board. I could only imagine what they might say about my want for a Range Rover and a 50,000 sq ft home. Not really!!! I don't really want the house, the car yes, the house, not so much.

So as I depart from my pointless blog post to pin more things I'll forget about in my fake world (this sounds a lot like those video games, but for stay at home moms), I will be organizing my office on Pinterest. :)

Peace out!