Binky Battle: The Real Reason I Cave

It's probably time I take the pacifier from Mason once and for all, but I can't seem to bring myself to remove the "numnum" from him. It has nothing really to do with his crying or whimpering for it in the middle of the night, or the lack of sleep we'll get for days and nights. Or that every time he puts in his mouth he wants to snuggle up on my shoulder with a blanket wrapped around him. Okay, maybe that last reason has a lot to do with it.

The truth is, he is my last baby. I can't have more kids. And while a lot of people will jump on the "be grateful for what you got" bandwagon let me elaborate a little more about how I'm feeling about this, before you start to accuse me of ungratefulness.

I always wanted 3 or 4 kids, I loved being pregnant with Mason. I love holding my newborn for the first time touching their fingertips, kissing their noses, wrapping them tight into a little human burrito. Meeting for the first this person that has been growing inside of me for nine months. Seeing for the first time their facial features, trying to figure out who they look like more; me or Aaron. Laying on the couch completely exhausted only to be lulled to sleep by the sleeping baby's breathing in and out on my chest.

Why do I cave on the "numnum?" Because I don't want to lose my last baby. Kids grow up too fast, and before you know it they are off and leaving for college. Mason is my boy, MY baby boy. I have a really hard time with digesting the fact that never again will I get to feel those exciting kicks inside my belly, or get the sleepless nights because of a hungry baby (Okay maybe not so much that one). Or watch my own baby learn to crawl, walk, talk for the first time. Taking away the pacifier is a right-of-passage. It means he's done needing that comfort from the pacifier. It means he's growing up. It means that I'm done raising babies to toddlers. And this saddens me.