Turning 30.

For the past couple weeks (maybe even months if we really want to look into this) I've been fretting this upcoming birthday of turning 30. I've never stressed over a birthday before, and I hope I never do again. It's not that I don't like getting older, because that doesn't bother me. It was more of a dwelling in the past and of missed opportunities or misguided decisions. Now, for some letting go of the past is easy. It's not for me. I remember every event, every emotion, and usually every person involved.

Today, I was having a conversation with a friend. And he said to me, "Some things are simply lost in the past and we cannot retrieve them." Now this may have been said to me before, but it never clicked. I've had several conversations with a few friends about why turning 30 is bothering me so much, unable to pinpoint the reason. The truth is, there were many reasons, which would explain why it was so hard to narrow down the exact reason.

I realized today that I have a very beautiful and awesome life. It's not that I didn't already KNOW this, it's just that I never ACCEPTED it. My marriage is strong, my kids are awesome, my health is perfect (minus some few extra pounds I'm still working on losing), my friends are great. I really have a great life. I wasn't necessarily seeking a differently life through this problem with turning 30, but more of recollecting the decisions that were life defining.

I remember when my cousin, Dawn, was about to turn 20 and she was beside herself about leaving her teen years, and I didn't get what the big deal was. LOL We were living together and it was somewhat humorous to me, at the time, that she was so stressed about it. I get it now.

Changing years is a lot like changing pages in a book you've never read before. You have an idea of what might come next, but you cling to what you know in order to soften the unexpected blows. Like reading a love novel and you turn to the next chapter and suddenly the damsel is hurt in a car wreck .. OR .. watching a movie about a broken family and then they rekindle and everything is right with the world. Getting older in life is no different.

We all know what we've done, where we've been and the choices we've made. It isn't until we get older that we see how all these choices were domino effects on our life. I'm not old, or wise, but I'm starting to understand how one decision could've changed my whole life. Or many decisions. At times, I've sat and regretted some opportunities missed and some choices that were made. In doing this it only caused inner conflict and turmoil with my current and most awesome life. Dwelling on the past of yays and nays is not a good way to spend ones upcoming 30th birthday.

My goal for my 30th birthday, and for the rest of my life, is to always look forward and be grateful for the day I am given. I cannot change what did or didn't happen in the past. I can, however, appreciate what I have and use every minute I am given to be the person I was born and meant to be.

So in two days, when I change to a whole new set of numbers, it's not going to be a day of remorse for the things I missed out on, or the bad things I did. It's going to be a day of celebration of what's to come. Of adventures not yet sought. Of experiences I haven't yet felt. Of a life that I have, want, and love!

Peace.