A bit of therapy

I am going to preface this post as possibly offensive, emotional, angry, and happy. If you don't want to read it, stop now, but at the end of this post you will know more about my emotional state at the moment than you probably care to know. So consider this your warning!

I have been dealing a lot with my sadness about not having more babies. I know I've stated in a past blog post about how Mason growing makes me sad. But I haven't actually clarified the emotional state of losing this ability by a lack of choice has for me.

When a couple decides their family is complete, they usually take steps to ensure that the process is removed and from that they continue in life with their family completed. There have been times after giving birth to Mason, fleeting moments really, when I was asked if we were done having children. Feeling like the proper answer was 'yes,' I would often say, "yes, we're done." Which is what happened at one doctor appointment. My doctor is amazing, and his demeanor was never by force or influence. After all, he makes his living delivering babies!! But at this stage in my life, during that appointment, and with all the issues I was having, I was 100% convinced in a moment of weakness I was done having children. A surgery that directly followed that appointment made it so! Following that surgery, of course, I found out that I would, indeed, be done having kids, regardless of my own choice, by the results of a biopsy! Which then lead to a complete hysterectomy.

How this second surgery effected me was deeply more emotional than I ever anticipated. I love, adore, cherish my children, but I feel like something or someone is missing. Perhaps a puppy would suffice, I don't know. :) But I know that the deep rooted sadness, which I'm forging through, is hard. It effects the way I think; the emotions I feel when I see a pregnant woman; the grief I feel when I hold a baby; the forgone memory that a newborn has on a lifestyle when I see my two are sleeping peacefully.

When I think about the life I was anticipating and the life I have, it's not that different really. I am still very happy and blessed to have two healthy children, a marriage full of love and laughter with a little stress thrown in there, and a bunch of friends that have helped and supported me through this process. After doing some research into others that have had hysterectomies at a young age, I found that what I was feeling was completely normal. I really felt abnormal for a while, as if I was sinking into a depression. But the truth is I've lost something. It's completely normal to go through the similar motions of grief and sadness. I felt like this was something that I should deny, these emotions were childish and that I was just being a dweller. I hadn't said anything to anyone, keeping all my emotions inside, attempting to not burden anyone about my state of mind. It's stable, in case you were curious.

I didn't even say anything to my own husband. A person who I love and trust and I know would just help me and be there for me. He, too, had to go through some motions of not having more children. I mean we're in this for life together. He lost this too! But it's not quite the same. For a long time I felt like damaged goods, less womanly. I don't have any reproductive organs designed specifically for me to grow and give life now. This is all just a bit overwhelming. I have been struggling through a lot of this privately and somewhat unsuccessfully because I was denying the support of my loving husband.

I finally told him what I was dealing with, and to my surprise I felt so much better! :) Like there was hope. If only I had done this weeks (months) ago. I could've saved myself so much heartache. I didn't look to my two children the next day as if I was missing that third one. I didn't wake up with the sadness about it. I'm still bummed and I'm sure as time goes on I'll feel better about it and process it better. But I am not allowing it to be a controlling aspect now.

I've recently been attending First Baptist Church in Palmer. There is some significant power in prayer and even though my battles have been somewhat private, I leave church services with hope, I know that God has a plan for me, He wouldn't leave me to handle this sadness and transition in life alone. He's been there for me the whole time and I only need to stretch out my hand and He's there. I love that He has so humorously placed so many pregnant women in my life. :) I do think He has a "different" way to support. It's more of an in-your-face support. :) I am a believer!

I guess the point of this blog was part therapeutic and part informative. I'm not as fragile as I thought. I am pushing through this and winning. I have a wonderful spouse, friend and partner in life, and two very exciting and fun kids. Life is phenomenal!

Peace.