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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I Suck as a Mom

I suck at being a parent. Not in the "Oops, I forgot little Tommie's sippy cup" kind of sucking, but in the "Lost my control over spilled milk" kind of sucking at being a parent.

I keep trying to turn in my retirement papers, but they keep getting rejected.

What is it that makes a good parent, anyway?

I expected parades of "Thank-yous" and "Please" as well as picture perfect clean house, with the most well-behaved children. Not to mention the loving and most enjoyable relationship with my husband. This was my idea of what being a parent/wife.

Let me tell you, today (and many days in the past) who or whatever lead me to believe this was an accurate portrayal of life as a parent and wife are, man I found out they are liars! Never believe what you see on TV!

I do believe that when they made the movies about Dennis the Menace, they were really prepping me (and the world) for Mason.

I am no June Cleaver or Mrs. Brady. Again .. more lies on the TV.

One day my Dennis and "fill in the blank from 90210 characters" dramatic daughter Kara will have children of their own! :) This is the rewards of being a parent!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Not a Size 6

Yesterday I watched Dr. Oz. I know! I can't believe I did that either. But only because his show yesterday wasn't about how cell phone usage causes brain cancer, or any cancer causing issues. Even though, to him, everything causes some form of cancer. No doubt today's episode will revolve around cancer just to make up for the lost amount of discussion on his favorite topic from yesterday's show.

At any rate, yesterday's show revolved around making yourself feel better about yourself by changing only a few things. Not diet. Not losing weight. Not even exercising. ARE YOU AS SHOCKED AS I AM??? This was on HIS show!

Three women were guests, all plus size models. Sizes 12, 14, and 16. Beautiful women, all comfortable in their bodies. And all focusing, not on their flaws but, on their favorite assets.

Anyway, the thing that stuck out the most to me about these women is that they were healthy. They all worked out regularly, ate healthy diets, and had a healthy self-esteem. They weren't concerned with losing those last 10 lbs, or dropping 6 pant sizes. They didn't even seem to worry about what Dr. Oz might say. Cause we all know he usually says something about weight (it causes cancer!)

This episode had me glued. I was hooked on their every word. Watching the body language. Listening to them talk. I was convinced that even women who aren't size 6 are beautiful! A new concept to me. Trust me, it's new to me!

I have struggled with my weight as long as I can remember. I wasn't necessarily "fat" in high school, but was no where near the size of my thin and petite cohorts in school. The "pretty" girls. Even still to this day, they are thin and gorgeous. But for some reason my experience in high school created this unrealistic, and sometimes untrue, idea of beauty.

Yes we all strive to look and feel our best. But why do I feel like my best isn't good enough?

As I watched these three women on the TV it clicked. Being comfortable in your skin is all the matters. As long as you live and lead a healthy lifestyle, size doesn't necessarily matter. I'm not a twig, and likely will never be a size 6. But I realize that I am me.

My body is not the same as the person next door, or the girls I went to high school with. My body was curvy and I had red hair. At the time, I felt awkward and ugly. I had freckles, glasses, but no braces .. no need to add to that weird stage of teenage years. But my awkward feelings have grown into my adulthood.

Learning to love my body with all it's attributes is hard. I carry battle wounds (stretchmarks) from giving life to two beautiful children. I'm starting to get wrinkles around my eyes from age (not that I'm old). Luckily for me I don't have gray hair yet! :) That's a bonus!

But even with all these "bad" things going on with my body, I know that I am healthier now than I have ever been. And when I make goals of losing pounds or decreasing my pant size, I get occupied and consumed with my failures in those endeavors.

I learned something yesterday, I learned that I don't have to be a size 6 or even an 8 or 10 to be the most beautiful me I can be. If I am confident in myself where I stand with my looks now, it won't matter what other women look like. Or what society deems as beautiful. If I am happy and in love with what I see in the mirror, that is all that matters.

By the way, reading my blog does not cause cancer! ;)

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Things Happen

Many of you who read this will know nothing about me prior to when we first met. Many will have no idea of the things I did to myself, learned about myself and others, or why I am the way I am. And I'm okay with that.

Even though in conversation I can be fairly forthcoming, I am also very private about the past. I am just that way. I don't air my dirty laundry, I try VERY hard to not bring up past issues, I also try VERY hard to not make people feel guilty about things they have done in the past. I am not perfect, so I know that, at times, I fail and bring up old hurt feelings and experiences.

Today while talking with a friend we were talking about a past experience with me. One that I'm not proud of, and will not hash out on the Internet for discussion. But what I will say is that during our discussion, she made helped me realize that things happen. Good or bad, things happen. The important part is what we took from it.

I know that in my life I have screwed up more times then I can count. I have said much more hurtful things to people than should ever come out of someone's mouth. I have held people accountable for their actions, all the while acting more righteous than my fellow neighbor. But I also know that because it's in the past, it's in the past.

How does one move on from the past? How do we, without conjuring up all those events that determined the direction of our character, live day to day without feeling sad, remorseful, guilty? Why is it so hard to forgive? Ourselves? Others?

On my way home today, I was listening to K-Love as I often do in the car and a music artist by the name of Rhett Miller was co-hosting. He's a Christian singer. He was talking about a time when he took a drive to have it out with God. He was feeling overwhelmed, overbooked, exhausted and unsure of what he was to do with his life. Even though he was married; expecting their first child; a promising music career. Pretty much a pretty solid life by my standards. He was dealing with the past.

His drive took him to the bank of a river where basically God told him "Let me handle the past."

Without knowing any details of my conversation with my friend, you could see how this simple statement from God would have deep impact on anyone dealing with the past.

"Let me handle the past," says God.

Not "process your feelings, confront people, figure out your priorities" ... a simple "Let me handle the past."

The more I say it; the more I type it; the more I realize the truth in that simple statement.

When I heard that statement, especially following a conversation with my friend, I know that God was speaking oh so clearly to me. He heard my concern in my conversation with my friend. He was trying so hard to put the right words in her mouth. I can see it all now. But it didn't click until I was on my way home in my car with the radio on, and a special guest on the station.

The feeling of relief that my God, my Jesus, was going to handle my past for me is one amazing and inspiring emotion. I cannot tell you how much weight I felt lifted off me. I have been dwelling on things I've done as recent as this week and as far back as 12 years. The choices I made before I gave my heart to God. He washed me of all of that June 5, 2011. And a year later I finally understand, Let God handle the past!

Peace

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I am Sinner

I did not write that wrong. I am Sinner. I am not perfect. I do not always make the right choices in life. I fight daily to stay calm and not allow my anger to get the best of me. I work everyday to believe that my life is worth something and for purpose.

My life has been around many sad and deserted corners. My heart has been entangled in too many unhealthy things. My mind was once occupied with sadness, hatred, and even distress.

I was dead.

In two days, June 5, I will celebrate life! My "Birth"day of life. My act of obedience to the one that gave me purpose on this Earth. My day that I showed my friends and family of disciples that I am worthy of THIS life. I have PURPOSE! I am once and for all completely and utterly, deep and concentrated, purely and purposely claimed by Jesus!

I am still Sinner! Yet He still claims me as His own. He promises to never leave me. He promises to always be by my side. He promises that life will not be easy, but HE will do it with me!

I am Sinner. But I am HIS!